I Am Tired.
There are things I once used to enjoy, the small things.
The things that would give anybody pause to simply just stop, Look, feel and listen.
Now i find myself in constant turmoil, A sea of anger and confusion, the flickering flame that once held me in contempt now has been blown out like a wavering candlelight, all that remains is void?
Yes. Term in which I do question it’s validity in the sense of the common understanding. I once thought that in world in which we live in, Void meant nothing, Unknown, abyss...Darkness.
But how would i forget the lone rhinoceros horn….Empty and free from the shackles that would permeated through all things, desire and anxiety, anger and hate...the Freedom to feel all and all to feel you. Void. Freedom but how is it so? That I do Not.
What in the million hells that exist in the countless imaginations of the people that I implore, could be shackling me?! What in the countless wastelands of the subconscious could be tying me down to such a specific form?. A form in which I have yet to NOT ONLY understand But transcend? For it may be very easy to write it so...I could flick a wrist and idea be higher than the heavens I have created and help birth...but me? I, Sit still in this body of flesh, fighting in a constant battle with this “Things” I know all too well i will never understand. I thought i was past it all! I thought my anger had subsided, I thought i had gone beyond the pain, beyond the grief and the grieving, beyond the notions of “Sadness” that i would actively argue against, the side that everything is IN YOUR CONTROL….
what a slap in the face I became. Nothing is. But wait? How did my perception of things become so skewered? Why did fall so low? I have searched and searched, I cling to nothing but my own bias of a self assured happiness and belief in all beings. That nothing is beyond me and as a result of that thinking, I have become conceited….Prideful. My hubris dared try to eclipse the sun. I shunned those who were absorbed by the pride of their intelligence, because i saw it as a threat to my own...Even now in the confines of my own mind. I am confused, are the words i speak even true?. How many times have i gone back and forth, how many times have I ran and dived, searching for answers and yet found nothing! I AM TIRED OF CONSTANTLY FIGHTING, I AM TIRED OF FINDING NOTHING!! I AM TIRED OF BEING HESITANT OF THE ONE THING I SHOULD HAVE….YEARS AGO.
Look within myself.
This sea of confusion. Is the very embodiment of my fear. Fear of the unknown...fear of admitting that I am simply….Me.
Could this sea dwell within all life? The confusion that comes with merely...being? I do not know...By the swirling chaos within me..seems to grow deeper with each waking thought.
This….T-this thing. The THING that keeps me from entering this sea….The THING that chains me...The very THING i do not know….I have yet to identify. How annoying. I sit in a world...behind the tools that allows me to craft a world in which i can control, In which I am supreme, in which i can anoint One my wrath, forge a blade and call it “My voice”
For here I am heard. Here i am worshiped. By the masses of my own creations...to distill such forms...in the images in which i have seen myself...To distill such forms in my own image but...my dreams. The dreams i can turn into reality with a flick of wrist and who dare deny me?
But alas. I am no Rhinoceros horn.
“As a deer which is not tied up, goes wherever it wishes….
In the forest for pasture….
An understanding Man having regard for his independence,
Should wander in solitary just as a Rhinoceros Horn….
For desire threads itself in many different colors it’s smoothness
And touch makes us enjoy desire
However in many different forms..it scatters our hearts into many different pieces
One Should wander in Solitary just as Rhinoceros Horn….”
Back then i was never fond of the sutras, but for some reason i found this one to be the only one, which i would read. The pursuit of enlightenment...has been the underlying tone within all my creations, either freedom from pain...Or gift of knowledge...or simply..Complete and total Liberation from the troubles they face. I take delight in detailing their struggles. For the goal and prize becomes ever the sweeter once it’s reached.
Yet, I sit in here...In the form of myself, with only myself and nothing but myself…
Tch. I laugh, many would consider this an elegy for a dead man, or the Requiem for one about to. Threat not for the ones who extend their hearts or lament...for the ones that scorn, in the revelation that, I am not yet ready to depart, but what of this sea? How many stories have i crafted from this sea BELIEVING i had it figured out. Only to realize...I hadn’t even taken a gulp of its….dark waters...yet merely a sip. A drop. How very daunting. Though i should be delighted, It means the creation of creativity and innovation shows itself in it’s most primal nature, chaotic and infinite...I merely need to draw upon it. If that is the case, it should be easy? No?...The Spiral of lights that would represent the beacons of creativity. Shine so beautifully....Do they speak to me? Tell me of a different path? I am tired.
But I will follow.
Cupping his hands together, A gentle light blue glow reaches out between the gaps of his fingers, the light escaping and shining as he then opens his palms and reveals a small box
“The Mystery, Who doesn’t love a good one? All boxes containing an infinite amount of possibilities before opened...the speculations that come with ideas can be infinite...so let’s see what such ideas hold…”
“As the infinite keeps on going... I will sit...searching and trying to become...solitary, separated from desire and one day to wander alone...like a Rhinoceros horn….”
The glowing box….floats away as he closes his eyes
“Oh how i cannot wait to see what you become little box, Surprise me….”